did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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