wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
