If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
