well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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