Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Come share oat with me in your robe
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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