About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
