There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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