just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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