I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
