You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
