shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
