i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
