I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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