im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
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