i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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