I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
