i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
