Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
