I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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