I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Can Purell be used as lube?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you told grandpa to call you daddy
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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