exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
