Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
