when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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