well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
