I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
