I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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