My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
