He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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