Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i think my cat just said my name.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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