I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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