I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
