I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize