I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
