I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
