I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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