we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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