How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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