Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
