I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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