I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
