I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
