I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
