A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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