He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize