When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
we're making bets on your personal life
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Randomize
