so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
