I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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