i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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