he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
