now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
