Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
