dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
