Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
