Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
