That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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