if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
