i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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