Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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