Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
