ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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